


Hiraeth

by undrgrndLEGGO



Category: EXID (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 05:36:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19717282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undrgrndLEGGO/pseuds/undrgrndLEGGO
Summary: Hiraeth is a Welsh concept of longing for home. Many Welsh people claim 'hiraeth' is a word which cannot be translated, meaning more than solely "missing something" or "missing home." To some, it implies the meaning of missing a time, an era, or a person - including homesickness for what may not exist any longer. It is associated with the bittersweet memory of missing something or someone, while being grateful of that/ their existence.- Wikipedia





	1. Favourite Ex

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking interest in this story.
> 
> This is a multi-chapter story which will have different songs as chapter themes. I would like to request y'all to listen to the song/s before reading the story and try to really grasp the lyrics of the songs. The song title/s would be the chapter titles as well. I will try to post updates weekly.
> 
> This series is pretty special for me since I've been quite emotional throughout the whole process. I don't even know why, but I just find myself feeling things while thinking about how this story would go and how the songs give off the emotions that I want for the story.
> 
> About the title, I just fell in love the word "hiraeth". It has a bittersweet feel to it. It's beautiful and painful at the same time.
> 
> I would also like to apologize beforehand if you end up finding this fic to not be as well-written as others. I do try my best, but I'm not that good with words. :)
> 
> Constructive criticisms are very much welcome. Just leave 'em all in the comments section.
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!~

####  _**  
Song: Favourite Ex by Maisie Peters** _

* * *

####  **_ Jeonghwa  _ **

“Cheers!”

This had truly been one of the most exhausting comebacks that we’ve ever had – starting from the preparations up to the promotions. A lot has happened this past year and we have a lot to be thankful for. Because the album was a success, Solji decided to invite everyone for a drink to celebrate.

Of course, Hyelin didn’t hold back. She’s probably had the most soju among all of us tonight. I can already tell she’s nearly drunk because her speech is starting to slur a bit and Hani just kept on agreeing with whatever she’s saying because no one can understand her at all anymore. Solji unnie doesn’t look like she’s drinking, but she’s on her 4th glass of somaek already.

And then there’s LE. I try not to look at her unless completely necessary even though we’re sitting across one another. Honestly, I feel like my neck is just about to snap anytime soon because for the past couple of hours I can only look at either left or right.

A roar of laughter echoed from the next table, the one where our managers are with the other staffs who helped us this past year. They, too, seemed quite relieved that everything went well during this comeback, and I’m pretty sure they are enjoying their drinks since Solji promised to pay for everything tonight.

“What the hell!” Hani, being the scaredy cat that she is, almost jumped out of her seat in shock. A couple of staffs looked at her, giggled, and apologized for scaring her. “Yah! Youzu! Don’t pretend like you’re sorry!” She snickered at them and laughed.

At this point, Hyelin is almost on the verge of falling asleep and is fighting to keep at least one eye open. Hani leaned in closer to LE and looked around, as if about to say something that shouldn’t be heard by others, “So, are things all good with Youzu?”

I can tell LE was taken aback since her eyes widened and I can feel her look at me briefly before semi-glaring at Hani. “What about her?”

“Aish. It’s not like that kiss didn’t mean anything.”

_Wait a minute…that WHAT?!_

I cannot say for sure if LE answered Hani or not. Everything seemed to black out. Next thing I know, I’m lining up 3 shots of soju and a glass of somaek and Hyelin is cheering me on.

_When did she wake up?_

I don’t know what came over me, but I downed all my drinks in one go. I felt the heat rush through my insides, and I wasn’t certain if it’s because of the alcohol or because of something else. I almost feel like clutching my chest because suddenly it felt so damn painful to breathe.

“Yah. Look at her. She’s all grown up now.” Hyelin was slow-clapping, seemingly proud of my new-found drinking ability. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that ‘compliment’, but all I know is that Hani and the others are still talking about Youzu and my first instinct is to just shut them up because, for some reason, hearing Youzu’s name is pissing me off.

“…but what if she wants to, I dunno, ask you on a date or something? Will you say y…”

_Crap._

The next thing I knew, I was leaning a little too close from Hani. Pretty close. Too close, actually.

I probably wanted to shut Hani up so bad I ended up kissing her. It’s either that or I’m subliminally trying to prove something.

_How do I get out of this mess?_

“Was it like that? LE and Youzu?” Hani was quite shocked from what happened. She tilted her head out of confusion and answered, “Yeah. Something like that, I guess.”

Even Hyelin and Solji were staring at me, eyes wide and speechless.

“Yah, Jjongie. What was that?” Solji asked, awkwardly laughing and quite obviously flustered because of this whole situation.

“Wha…What? It’s no big deal. I was just curious about what happened, so I just re-enacted.” I acted aloof, trying to brush off the panic on my face.

“See? I told you! She’s grown up. Our maknae is getting more daring already! This calls for more celebration! Imooo~” Hyelin called for two more bottles of soju.

“And one more serving of jokbal, imo~” Hani called out.

_Phew. I’m safe._

I guess I was paying too much attention in getting myself out of this whole kissing fiasco that I didn’t notice LE getting ready to leave.

“Oh, Hyojin-ah. You’re going?” Solji asked, genuinely shocked since LE’s usually the last one to leave.

“Mhm. I kinda have to leave. Anyways, enjoy the rest of the night, girls. Next time, it’ll be my treat.” She smiled at Solji.

Just when she was about to stand up, she looked at me, smirked, and subtly shook her head.

I know that look. Just when I was about to say something, she left. She just…left.

At that moment, I can’t think of anything else other than I have to get to her. I couldn’t just let LE leave like that, so I ran out.

* * *

####  **_LE_ **

I couldn’t believe what I’m seeing. Even Hani has a panicked look on her face.

_What does she think she’s doing?!_

“Was it like that? LE and Youzu?”

I froze. I don’t understand what the hell is happening.

“What? It’s no big deal. I was just curious about what happened, so I just re-enacted.”

_Okay. That’s it. No big deal, huh?_

I know she’s trying to push my buttons, trying to get something out of me. I can’t let her get to me. I’ve struggled to get this far, and I can’t just go back to zero now.

I have to be rational about this. I am somewhat thankful that all I had were mocktails since I can just drive off and not wait for the company car to pick us up. I just need to leave right now because as much as I know what I should do, I don’t really understand what I feel about this situation, so I have to scoot before something else happens.

“Oh, Hyojin-ah. You’re going?” Solji unnie asked. I’m pretty sure she can read the situation correctly despite all the somaek she had. She’s observant like that.

“Mhm. I kinda have to leave. Anyways, enjoy the rest of the night, girls. Next time, it’ll be my treat.” I tried my hardest to cover up my emotions. I know Hani and Hyelin wouldn’t think too much about it, but Solji unnie wouldn’t just let this go. She will surely confront me about all this as soon as she gets the chance. However, I can’t afford to think about that right now. Let that be another day’s worry.

I left as fast as I could. On my way out I saw Youzu looking quite surprised that I’m leaving early. I really don’t want to deal with her right now, as well, so I just continued walking.

I motioned for the valet attendant to get my car and waited, thankful for the evening breeze that calmly swept through.

“Why did you leave?”

Somehow I expected this, Jeonghwa running after me.

“I needed to go home.” It took me all the self-control that I have not to look at her. I can’t. Not right now. Not now that we’re having this conversation.

“Why?”

“Do I have to tell you why?”

“Yes. I mean, no. But I want to know why.” Even without looking at her, I can tell how flustered she is. Even without looking, I can tell how she’s probably staring at me with those puppy eyes.

“What do you care?”

“Because!”

“Because? Heh.” I can’t help but smirk. I’ve had enough of this crap.

“Why did you leave, LE?”

“Because I want to.”

“Nothing else?” I can hear how frustrated Jeonghwa is starting to become. She’s desperate for an answer that I dare not say. I must not say.

“Are you expecting a different answer?” This time I failed to hold myself back. I looked at her and saw hurt in her eyes. This was exactly how she looked at me 287 days and 3 hours ago, but who’s counting, right?

“… Why did you kiss her?”

“Who? Youzu?”

“Y…Yes.”

“Please don’t tell me that’s the reason why you kissed Heeyeon out of the goddamn blue.”

“…”

I would be lying if I’d say that I wasn’t, to say the least, disappointed with Jeonghwa. Among everyone except my mom, she’s the one who knows me best. She knows how much I hate being played with.

“Damn it, Jjong.”

I couldn’t be more thankful when my car was pulled over by the valet attendant. If he arrived a minute later, I could have said or done something that I would totally regret.

I took one last look at Jeonghwa, tears are starting to cloud her big brown eyes. I was borderline contemplating whether to comfort her or not when I saw someone standing just outside the bar’s doorway.

_Youzu._

Jeonghwa looked at me and turned around as she saw me looking somewhere else.

“I…”

I can tell she’s still trying her hardest not to let the tears fall. I sincerely hope she’d keep it in. She had to. Nobody should see her cry over me…over this.

“I have to go.” With a heavy heart I got in my car and drove as far away from this mess as I can.

* * *


	2. Goodbye For Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a short update, a filler chapter. It's not like I didn't have the time to write, it's just that I wrote too much and the original storyline changed quite a bit so I had to re-organize everything. Enjoy! Constructive criticisms are very much welcome! :)

* * *

_[Song: Goodbye For Now - Solji and Doo Jin Soo (Duet Song Festival) [originally by MC The Max]](https://vimeo.com/176768100) _

####  **_LE_ **

####  _**252 days ago - July, 2018** _

As soon as Solji came back from her hiatus, the CEO of our company talked to us about our contracts. In less than a year, all of our contracts are ending and we have to decide if we’ll continue or not.

To be honest, I’ve always thought we’ll always choose to stick together - like a package deal - that if one of us stays, we all stay. But of course, reality isn’t as kind as we all thought it would be.

Even before discussing the matter within the group, Jeonghwa and I had talked about this a couple of times already.

“Have you thought about it yet - if you are going to re-sign or not?” How I wish I have no clue what Jeonghwa wanted to do. But the fact that she has a different dream that she’s trying to attain means that the circumstances that we have now aren’t really favorable for us.

I can sense how hesitant she is to answer my question so I had to reassure her, “Don’t worry about me. Just do what feels right for you and I will support you whatever your decision may be.” I took her hand and gave her the best smile I could possibly give right now.

“I mean, I love doing this with you and with the other unnies. The past 8 years had been great, from the day we started as trainees until this very moment.” She looked down, seemingly trying to find the words to express her thoughts. “But you know how much my dream matters to me.”

“I know.”

“So…”

“It’s okay. We’ll figure this out, yeah?” This whole situation sucks, but I have to put on a brave face for us.

Since when had it been this hard to smile?

* * *

####  **_LE_ **

####  **_ 287 days ago - August, 2018  _ **

“You okay?”

Jeonghwa is a little out of it tonight, which is understandable since we’ve just finished our Japan concert and she’s probably as exhausted as I am. Also because we have to discuss something that we already tried to postpone multiple times before. There will never be a perfect time to talk about this, but maybe we just have to rip the bandaid as fast as we could.

“No.” She looked at me, tears threatening to escape from her pretty eyes. I can see how much this is hurting her. We both know how tonight will end up and no one’s looking forward to it. “Do we really have to do this?” Her voice is starting to tremble.

I wish I could say that everything will turn out okay, or that we can figure something out that could make this work. But, as always, reality is too cruel. I sighed. Words have failed me tonight.

“What if we just make our relationship public?” Jeonghwa looked at me, eyes wide as if the idea only occurred to her right then and there and that it will solve all...this.

“Now? When you’re about to pursue your acting career?” I try to calm myself down and think of a more realistic solution for this.

“Well…”

“Jjong, if things were a bit different, then coming out in public is probably the best thing that could happen to us. But will that really solve our problems? WIll that give us more time together? Will that give us the assurance that we won’t drift apart because of our possibly crazy schedules?”

“Aren’t you thinking too far ahead? What if we make it work? What if love is enough to make this whole thing work?” She’s starting to raise her voice. It’s obvious that we’re both extremely frustrated right now. Nothing seems to work in our favor.

“I don’t know! Jjong, you know I would love nothing more than for us to not hide anymore, I really do. But we both know that the industry that we’re in is not as forgiving to people like us as we hoped it would be. This isn’t like a movie where love is enough to get us by. People are harsh. They judge us based on the choices we make. They put us in a box and cage us in. I don’t want that to happen to us!”

Jeonghwa just looks at me, obviously taken aback with where this conversation is going.

“I’m not brave enough for this...not yet.” I start to choke. I know where this ends, and I am not liking it one bit. “If whatever we have hinders you from achieving your dreams, I won’t be able to forgive myself.”

She pulled me in for an embrace. “But...you are my dream. How am I going to be happy without you? Without us?”

“You will always have me. It’s not like we won’t see each other again. I promise, when things start to get better for us and when we’re both strong enough to fight for this, I will never let us go again. Let’s just get through this with that thought in mind, okay?”

And just like that, we spent our last night together with arms around each other and tears in our eyes.

“I love you.”

* * *


End file.
